When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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