His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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