So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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