She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
