The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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