Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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