Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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