with your own penis?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
