This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
