Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
