$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
