Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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