Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
And then he peed in my hair
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
