I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
