I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
