The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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