batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
