i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
