i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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