Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it glows. i had to have it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
