I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
