My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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