She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
