And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
