fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
