I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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