Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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