Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
