Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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