There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
