Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
