I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
