wrigley field is MILF paradise
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
