Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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