She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
