Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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