Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
