It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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