There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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