awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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