I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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