i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
