i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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