um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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