I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
