i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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