Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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