mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
