apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
