I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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