I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize