Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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