oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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