So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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