smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize