Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
